此時此地此刻... 活在當下 Live for the moment: Feeling down & insecure with a difficult decision to be made

Insomnia last night. I don't think I could fall asleep till after being in bed for about at least half an hour. My mind was still 'active' then. Lots of negative thinking. Asked myself why things ended up like that and whether it was my fault. Yes, it was my fault. I was not determined enough and too nice to some people and myself - not setting myself a firm deadline for various things like anthology, job search, my flatmate's moving out, etc... I just kept having things postponed, maybe because I didn't want to face the difficulties. Maybe it's not a bad thing that things turn out like that. At some point, we have to make decisions anyway. I'm just being driven to make decisions - whether to stay in my current flat, when to decide if I should move on, etc.

This kind of negative thoughts and feelings made me feel down for almost the whole day. And a sense of insecurity - having no income while lots of expenses were expected, having no job, etc. - seemed to be underlying my 'over-reaction'. I seem to be the one who's not mature enough to handle all the (unexpected) changes and challenges. And I feel guilty of affecting others because of my immature and emotional behaviour.

I thought doing gym may help. It did help a bit though. Doing shopping later, however, made it worse. Spending money on those skin care products made me feel guilty. Didn't feel like talking to anyone then. Maybe because I just didn't know what to do next.

Finally when my flatmate told me she'd move out at the end of July, I felt 'contradictory'. Initially I hoped she'd move out asap, now I'd rather she keep her room till Sept. I hesitate about staying in the flat with a new flatmate as there're some issues that need to be sorted out. Feel like it's me who has to make the decision about whether to get that potential flatmate move in with me or to move out and live in the house of a friend of mine...

Lunch: noodles with soup of last night..